Sign up now to receive our regular news briefs.

2016: Palestinian Diary (SATIRE)

November 26, 2012 1:08 pm 2 comments

PA President Mahmoud Abbas. Photo: wiki commons.

Ramallah, Nov. 29, 2016– This diary in Arabic (translated here ) was found here today in the ruins of PLO headquarters, apparently from the journals of PLO chief Mahmoud Abbas, also known by the nickname Abu-Abbas.

Dear Diary (November 20, 2012),

Some of my best friends are Jewish, people whose families came from Poland and stole our orchards. They have a saying in their Yiddish dialect: tzis shvehr tzuzayn ah-yid: It is hard to be Jewish.

Well, diary, I don’t usually get inspiration from the Jews who came from Poland, but it is hard to be Palestinian, especially a Palestinian leader. It is like what that Jewish comedian, Rodney Dangerfield,  used to say: “I get no respect.” Or as they say in Chicago: “Don’t you be disrespecting me!!!!”

As I get us closer to UN recognition, the whole world only talks about those primitive ruffians in Hamas who launched  rockets at Israel, only to be bloodied.

But let me get back to Poland. Some of our people are saying that my comrade, Yasser Arafat, was poisoned by the Polish-born Zionists with a radioactive element named for Poland—Polonium.

That is why this week we spent our time digging up the rotting body of my predecessor, the greatest Palestinian leader,  Yasser Arafat, whose real name was Muhammad Raouf al-Kudwa, and who was never a Palestinian. [Yes, of course we pretend Raouf  was “Palestinian,” but we know very well that he was born and raised in Egypt and, until the Zionists poisoned him with their Polish stuff, he spoke with an Egyptian accent.]

Sometimes—even most of the time—being a leader means having to pretend. I had many differences with Raouf, but when he became “Arafat” he showed me and others just how far you could get by talking out of both sides one’s mouth.  He was invited to the UN, and he got a Nobel Peace Prize for tricking the Zionists into thinking he actually wanted to make friends with them. He was a genius, that Raouf. And he was never even coached and trained the way the Russian KGB taught me. He was a natural dissimulator. Perhaps that is the reason he took the nickname “Abu ‘Amaar,” recalling ‘Amaar, the first Muslim to practice taqiyya, the art of Islamic deception.

Think of it, he got a Nobel Peace Prize and a UN presence without having a country, an army or even a teleprompter.

There was an American president named Lincoln who said you could not fool all of the people all of the time.  Maybe.  But as I learned from Yasser, there is no limit on how much and how often you can fool someone, if they want to be fooled. There are even Zionists who think that Hamas in Gaza and the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt will make peace with them.

I must give Hamas and the Brotherhood credit. They are learning the tricks that Arafat and I taught them: Always tell people what they want to believe.

It is like telling the world that Raouf was killed with a Polish poison administered by Zionists. We know the truth. We know just how many ailments Raouf had.

We who pretend to be Palestinian leaders, we who pretend to be interested in peace, we know that Raouf was a homosexual pedophile. He had no interest in women, and no interest in peace with Israel, but only in taking pieces out of Israel.

As for “Palestine,” anyone who knows Arabic knows that “Palestine”   is a foreign word in Arabic. We do not even have a “P” in our alphabet. But there is a “P” in Hebrew, and  I love to watch Israeli leftists who never studied Arabic or our culture go into an ecstatic rapture about the need to establish “Palestine.”

Yes Raouf was right about the Israeli Left. There is no limit to how many times you can fool those who want to be fooled.

I hope when I die that they dig up my body too, like Raouf’s, and then re-bury me with full military honors. Then I will finally get the respect that is due me.

Dr. Michael Widlanski, an expert on Arab politics and communications, is the author of  Battle for Our Minds: Western Elites and the Terror Threat published by  Threshold/Simon and Schuster. A former reporter, correspondent and editor, respectively at The New York Times, Cox Newspapers and The Jerusalem Post, he was  Strategic Affairs Advisor in Israel’s Ministry of Public Security and teaches at Bar Ilan University.

2 Comments

  • I would like to remind or educate your readers of the “label palistinain”

    Every Jew at one time pre1948 was a palsitinian.
    Arabs were not called that wonderful endearing name given by rome over 2000 years ago to Israel and The tribes of Israel to replace the name Israel and hebrew etc.

    Before 1973 I dont think we ever heard an arab calling himself a pali.It was arafart that did the media PR.

    The Jews as usual like sheep followed by using that name as a arab description as well as using a few more false terms such as: west bank / occupied territory / settlers / east jerusalem / arab terratory / al aksa /
    Israeli side of jerusalem / arab road / land for peace / visiting the poop in rome for solutions and assisatnce / land for pea / depending on europe / land fr p / tolerance time will heal / lnd fr / 18,000 rockets /
    ld f p .
    SORRY READERS, THERE IS NO MORE LAND TO GIVE AWAY AS YOU SEE BY THE LACK OF LETTERS LEFT TO FINISH MY STORY.

    THE ONE G-D OF EVERYTHING SAID HE WILL BE THERE WAITING FOR US WHEN WE CRY OUT FOR *HIM.
    ARE WE READY TO CRY OUT TO HASHEM AND NOT OBAMA?

  • Michael Zeffertt

    It is true that there is no ‘p’ in Arabic…so Palestine becomes Falestin with an ‘f’. I have to say I wish there was no effin’ Palestine!

Leave a Reply

Please note: comments may be published in the Algemeiner print edition. Comments written in all caps will be deleted.


Current day month ye@r *

More...

  • Blogs Features Israel and the Apartheid Narrative: 2 South African Student Leaders Weigh In

    Israel and the Apartheid Narrative: 2 South African Student Leaders Weigh In

    JNS.org – About two-dozen people file into Dodd 175 at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) campus on a Thursday night, scouting out seats and picking at the kosher pizza in the back of the lecture hall. Miyelani Pinini knows the drill. A former student president of the University of Cape Town in South Africa, she’s attended and even organized her share of free-pizza events. But now she and a fellow South African student leader were the stars of this […]

    Read more →
  • Food Spirituality/Tradition The Brewish State: Israel Taps Into Growing Craft Beer Bazaar

    The Brewish State: Israel Taps Into Growing Craft Beer Bazaar

    JNS.org – It’s widely known that Israel has penetrated the wine market, with some of its sophisticated Israeli blends surpassing historically excellent wines from areas such as the Napa Valley or Bordeaux. But what about beer? For decades, Israel has offered solely the Maccabi and Nesher brands. Not anymore. “There is a huge push of people making beer at home. The country is approaching over 30 craft breweries in the last year or two, making nearly 200 beers,” says Avi Moskowitz, […]

    Read more →
  • Arts and Culture Blogs Natalie Portman Says She Behaved Like ‘Average Everyday Jewish Mother’ on Set of Latest Movie

    Natalie Portman Says She Behaved Like ‘Average Everyday Jewish Mother’ on Set of Latest Movie

    Actress Natalie Portman acted like a typical “Jewish mother” on the set of her latest movie, Jane Got a Gun, the Israeli-born star told the New York Post‘s Page Six on Sunday. The 34-year-old, who also co-produced the western, said she made it her job to look out for everyone involved in the project, because the film has had to overcome “so many obstacles,” such as losing its director early on. She explained: “Actors changed. We suffered financial and legal challenges. We endured so many replacements. There were delays. […]

    Read more →
  • Israel Music Scorpions Lead Singer Sends Message to Israel Ahead of World Tour, Tel Aviv Performance (VIDEO)

    Scorpions Lead Singer Sends Message to Israel Ahead of World Tour, Tel Aviv Performance (VIDEO)

    “We’re looking very much forward to coming back to Israel this summer,” said the lead singer of the German rock band Scorpions in a video on Monday. “Make sure you don’t miss it because we rock you like a hurricane!” said a jovial Klaus Meine, quoting the band’s seminal 1984 anthem, “Rock You Like a Hurricane.” The hard rock band lands in Israel for a show at the Menorah Mivtachim Arena on July 14 as part of its 50th anniversary tour. It will be the band’s third time […]

    Read more →
  • Blogs Book Reviews The Collected Works of Primo Levi, Edited by Ann Goldstein (REVIEW)

    The Collected Works of Primo Levi, Edited by Ann Goldstein (REVIEW)

    Primo Levi and Elie Wiesel were the two most immediate and authentic literary voices who gave witness to the Holocaust. Wiesel was an extrovert and a very public figure who wrote initially in French. Levi was a modest retiring chemist who wrote in Italian. Whereas Wiesel was rooted in the Eastern European Jewish Hassidic world, Levi was the product of an assimilated, secular Italian society that saw itself as Italian first and Jewish as an accident of birth. As Levi himself said, “At Auschwitz I […]

    Read more →
  • Blogs Lifestyle Wine Brings Judea and Samaria to Tel Aviv

    Wine Brings Judea and Samaria to Tel Aviv

    JNS.org – Wine has long been considered a social lubricant, and it’s Nir Lavie’s hope that wine from his Har Bracha Winery in the Samarian hills will serve as a social lubricant between the city-goers of Tel Aviv and the Jewish communities of Judea and Samaria, two locales split geographically, and often politically, on the left and right of the country. The new flagship store of Har Bracha has recently popped its corks on 190 Ben Yehuda Street in Tel Aviv, […]

    Read more →
  • Arts and Culture Blogs Gentile Actor Zachary Levi Says He’s Denied Roles for Being ‘Too Jewish’

    Gentile Actor Zachary Levi Says He’s Denied Roles for Being ‘Too Jewish’

    Actor Zachary Levi said casting directors have denied him roles for being “too Jewish,” despite the fact that he is not a Jew, the New York Daily News‘ Confidenti@l reported on Wednesday. “I guess they were looking for more of a corn-fed, white boy look,” he said. “My family is from f****** Indiana! Come on, I’m like dying here!” The Thor star clarified that he is Welsh, and that Levi is actually his middle name, while his real last name is Pugh. He said he […]

    Read more →
  • Book Reviews Spirituality/Tradition Tracing Chabad’s History and Success (REVIEW)

    Tracing Chabad’s History and Success (REVIEW)

    The secret of Chabad’s worldwide success is revealed by veteran Chabad shliach (emissary) Rabbi David Eliezrie in his new book, The Secret of Chabad. The Chabad movement was founded by Rabbi Schnur Zalman of Liadi, Belarus, in 1775. Years later it came to the US with the arrival of Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Schneersohn in 1940, after his escape from Nazi-occupied Warsaw. Upon his arrival in New York, a number of his co-religionists advised him that there was no place for traditional […]

    Read more →