2016: Palestinian Diary (SATIRE)

November 26, 2012 1:08 pm 2 comments

PA President Mahmoud Abbas. Photo: wiki commons.

Ramallah, Nov. 29, 2016– This diary in Arabic (translated here ) was found here today in the ruins of PLO headquarters, apparently from the journals of PLO chief Mahmoud Abbas, also known by the nickname Abu-Abbas.

Dear Diary (November 20, 2012),

Some of my best friends are Jewish, people whose families came from Poland and stole our orchards. They have a saying in their Yiddish dialect: tzis shvehr tzuzayn ah-yid: It is hard to be Jewish.

Well, diary, I don’t usually get inspiration from the Jews who came from Poland, but it is hard to be Palestinian, especially a Palestinian leader. It is like what that Jewish comedian, Rodney Dangerfield,  used to say: “I get no respect.” Or as they say in Chicago: “Don’t you be disrespecting me!!!!”

As I get us closer to UN recognition, the whole world only talks about those primitive ruffians in Hamas who launched  rockets at Israel, only to be bloodied.

But let me get back to Poland. Some of our people are saying that my comrade, Yasser Arafat, was poisoned by the Polish-born Zionists with a radioactive element named for Poland—Polonium.

That is why this week we spent our time digging up the rotting body of my predecessor, the greatest Palestinian leader,  Yasser Arafat, whose real name was Muhammad Raouf al-Kudwa, and who was never a Palestinian. [Yes, of course we pretend Raouf  was "Palestinian," but we know very well that he was born and raised in Egypt and, until the Zionists poisoned him with their Polish stuff, he spoke with an Egyptian accent.]

Sometimes—even most of the time—being a leader means having to pretend. I had many differences with Raouf, but when he became “Arafat” he showed me and others just how far you could get by talking out of both sides one’s mouth.  He was invited to the UN, and he got a Nobel Peace Prize for tricking the Zionists into thinking he actually wanted to make friends with them. He was a genius, that Raouf. And he was never even coached and trained the way the Russian KGB taught me. He was a natural dissimulator. Perhaps that is the reason he took the nickname “Abu ‘Amaar,” recalling ‘Amaar, the first Muslim to practice taqiyya, the art of Islamic deception.

Think of it, he got a Nobel Peace Prize and a UN presence without having a country, an army or even a teleprompter.

There was an American president named Lincoln who said you could not fool all of the people all of the time.  Maybe.  But as I learned from Yasser, there is no limit on how much and how often you can fool someone, if they want to be fooled. There are even Zionists who think that Hamas in Gaza and the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt will make peace with them.

I must give Hamas and the Brotherhood credit. They are learning the tricks that Arafat and I taught them: Always tell people what they want to believe.

It is like telling the world that Raouf was killed with a Polish poison administered by Zionists. We know the truth. We know just how many ailments Raouf had.

We who pretend to be Palestinian leaders, we who pretend to be interested in peace, we know that Raouf was a homosexual pedophile. He had no interest in women, and no interest in peace with Israel, but only in taking pieces out of Israel.

As for “Palestine,” anyone who knows Arabic knows that “Palestine”   is a foreign word in Arabic. We do not even have a “P” in our alphabet. But there is a “P” in Hebrew, and  I love to watch Israeli leftists who never studied Arabic or our culture go into an ecstatic rapture about the need to establish “Palestine.”

Yes Raouf was right about the Israeli Left. There is no limit to how many times you can fool those who want to be fooled.

I hope when I die that they dig up my body too, like Raouf’s, and then re-bury me with full military honors. Then I will finally get the respect that is due me.

Dr. Michael Widlanski, an expert on Arab politics and communications, is the author of  Battle for Our Minds: Western Elites and the Terror Threat published by  Threshold/Simon and Schuster. A former reporter, correspondent and editor, respectively at The New York Times, Cox Newspapers and The Jerusalem Post, he was  Strategic Affairs Advisor in Israel’s Ministry of Public Security and teaches at Bar Ilan University.

2 Comments

  • I would like to remind or educate your readers of the “label palistinain”

    Every Jew at one time pre1948 was a palsitinian.
    Arabs were not called that wonderful endearing name given by rome over 2000 years ago to Israel and The tribes of Israel to replace the name Israel and hebrew etc.

    Before 1973 I dont think we ever heard an arab calling himself a pali.It was arafart that did the media PR.

    The Jews as usual like sheep followed by using that name as a arab description as well as using a few more false terms such as: west bank / occupied territory / settlers / east jerusalem / arab terratory / al aksa /
    Israeli side of jerusalem / arab road / land for peace / visiting the poop in rome for solutions and assisatnce / land for pea / depending on europe / land fr p / tolerance time will heal / lnd fr / 18,000 rockets /
    ld f p .
    SORRY READERS, THERE IS NO MORE LAND TO GIVE AWAY AS YOU SEE BY THE LACK OF LETTERS LEFT TO FINISH MY STORY.

    THE ONE G-D OF EVERYTHING SAID HE WILL BE THERE WAITING FOR US WHEN WE CRY OUT FOR *HIM.
    ARE WE READY TO CRY OUT TO HASHEM AND NOT OBAMA?

  • Michael Zeffertt

    It is true that there is no ‘p’ in Arabic…so Palestine becomes Falestin with an ‘f’. I have to say I wish there was no effin’ Palestine!

Leave a Reply

Please note: comments may be published in the Algemeiner print edition.


Current day month ye@r *

More...

  • Book Reviews Commentary ‎Kosher Lust: Love is Not the Answer (REVIEW)

    ‎Kosher Lust: Love is Not the Answer (REVIEW)

    Kosher Lust, by Shmuley Boteach (Gefen Publishing House, 2014). You really do want to find something positive to say about Shmuley Boteach. He is a phenomenon; very bright, an articulate bundle of energy and self-promotion. Anyone who has the chutzpah to describe himself as “America’s Rabbi” deserves ten out of ten for effort. I believe that along with most Chabad alumni, official and unofficial, he does a lot of good and is a sort of national treasure. In this world [...]

    Read more →
  • Jewish Identity Theater Hollywood’s Revisiting of Passover’s Exodus Story a Part of Throwback ‘Year of the Bible’

    Hollywood’s Revisiting of Passover’s Exodus Story a Part of Throwback ‘Year of the Bible’

    JNS.org – In a throwback to the golden age of cinema, Hollywood has declared 2014 the “Year of the Bible.” From Ridley Scott’s Exodus starring Christian Bale as Moses, to Russell Crowe playing Noah, Hollywood is gambling on new innovations in technology and star power to revisit some of the most popular stories ever told. “It’s definitely a throwback to the 1950s and early ’60s,” Dr. Stephen J. Whitfield, an American Studies professor at Brandeis University, told JNS.org. Starting with The [...]

    Read more →
  • Arts and Culture US & Canada ‘Jewish Giant’ Headlines New York Jewish Museum Exhibit

    ‘Jewish Giant’ Headlines New York Jewish Museum Exhibit

    Eddie Carmel, dubbed “The Jewish Giant” by American photographer Diane Arbus, is the centerpiece of a new exhibit opening April 11 at The Jewish Museum in New York. Arbus met Carmel, who was billed “The World’s Tallest Man,” at Hubert’s Dime Museum and Flea Circus in 1959 but waited until 1970 to photograph him at his parents’ home in the Bronx, according to the museum. The son of immigrants from Tel Aviv, Carmel posed for Arbus with his head bowed to [...]

    Read more →
  • Music US & Canada Disney Hit ‘Frozen’ Gets Passover Themed Makeover With ‘Chozen’ (VIDEO)

    Disney Hit ‘Frozen’ Gets Passover Themed Makeover With ‘Chozen’ (VIDEO)

    A Passover themed cover of hit songs Let It Go and Do You Want to Build a Snowman? from Disney’s Frozen has attracted tons of media buzz and a cool 65,ooo views on YouTube within days of going online. The work of Jewish a capella group Six13, the track is aptly named Chozen. We are celebrating “our freedom, our favorite festival, our fabulous fans, and aspiring Disney princesses everywhere” the group said. The Chozen music video tells the story of [...]

    Read more →
  • Arts and Culture Jewish Identity Retreat Gives Young Artists New Platform to Engage With Jewish Ideas

    Retreat Gives Young Artists New Platform to Engage With Jewish Ideas

    JNS.org – Many young Jewish artists struggle to define who they are personally, artistically, and religiously. Against the backdrop of that struggle, the recent Asylum Arts International Jewish Artists Retreat provided a space for some 70 young Jewish artists to explore Jewish ideas, to build community and a culture of reciprocity, and to learn skills to assist their career development. “We are trying to encourage and excite people to engage in Jewish themes,” says Rebecca Guber, director of Asylum Arts. [...]

    Read more →
  • Arts and Culture Jewish Literature Darren Aronofsky Adds Psychological Depth, Little Else to ‘Noah’

    Darren Aronofsky Adds Psychological Depth, Little Else to ‘Noah’

    JNS.org – Has the era of large-scale biblical epics returned? Not since “The Ten Commandments” has there been so much torrential water on the big screen (not counting weather-related disaster films such as “The Impossible”) than in “Noah,” the latest blockbuster from writer and director Darren Aronofsky. “Noah” takes the traditional tale and splices it in an eco-friendly and psychologically driven plot. After Adam and Eve got booted out of the Garden of Eden and after Cain killed Abel, mankind [...]

    Read more →
  • Food Israel Israeli Arab Microbiologist Wins on Israel’s ‘MasterChef’ Reality Show

    Israeli Arab Microbiologist Wins on Israel’s ‘MasterChef’ Reality Show

    JNS.org – An Israeli-Arab microbiologist and mother of three won the fourth season of Israel’s most popular reality TV show, “MasterChef.” Nof Atamna-Ismaeel, 32, who holds a PhD in microbiology and is from the Israeli-Arab town of Baqa al-Gharbiyye, described winning as the “the most exciting moment in her life.” She said she plans to use the prize money to open up an Arab-Jewish cooking school. MasterChef is a popular reality TV show that originated in the U.K. It is [...]

    Read more →
  • Europe Theater Play About Muslim Man Who Discovers His Parents Are Jewish Seeking Funds

    Play About Muslim Man Who Discovers His Parents Are Jewish Seeking Funds

    Jewish comedian and writer David Baddiel is seeking public support to help produce a musical based on his film about a British Muslim man who discovers his parents are Jewish. London’s Theatre Royal Stratford East is in development to premiere The Infidel in October, London’s Evening Standard reported on Wednesday. However, the theater needs another £55,000 on top of around £200,000 already raised in order to produce the show. Baddiel, 49, retained the stage rights to the story when he wrote the [...]

    Read more →



Sign up now to receive our regular news briefs.