2016: Palestinian Diary (SATIRE)

PA President Mahmoud Abbas. Photo: wiki commons.

Ramallah, Nov. 29, 2016– This diary in Arabic (translated here ) was found here today in the ruins of PLO headquarters, apparently from the journals of PLO chief Mahmoud Abbas, also known by the nickname Abu-Abbas.

Dear Diary (November 20, 2012),

Some of my best friends are Jewish, people whose families came from Poland and stole our orchards. They have a saying in their Yiddish dialect: tzis shvehr tzuzayn ah-yid: It is hard to be Jewish.

Well, diary, I don’t usually get inspiration from the Jews who came from Poland, but it is hard to be Palestinian, especially a Palestinian leader. It is like what that Jewish comedian, Rodney Dangerfield,  used to say: “I get no respect.” Or as they say in Chicago: “Don’t you be disrespecting me!!!!”

As I get us closer to UN recognition, the whole world only talks about those primitive ruffians in Hamas who launched  rockets at Israel, only to be bloodied.

But let me get back to Poland. Some of our people are saying that my comrade, Yasser Arafat, was poisoned by the Polish-born Zionists with a radioactive element named for Poland—Polonium.

That is why this week we spent our time digging up the rotting body of my predecessor, the greatest Palestinian leader,  Yasser Arafat, whose real name was Muhammad Raouf al-Kudwa, and who was never a Palestinian. [Yes, of course we pretend Raouf  was "Palestinian," but we know very well that he was born and raised in Egypt and, until the Zionists poisoned him with their Polish stuff, he spoke with an Egyptian accent.]

Sometimes—even most of the time—being a leader means having to pretend. I had many differences with Raouf, but when he became “Arafat” he showed me and others just how far you could get by talking out of both sides one’s mouth.  He was invited to the UN, and he got a Nobel Peace Prize for tricking the Zionists into thinking he actually wanted to make friends with them. He was a genius, that Raouf. And he was never even coached and trained the way the Russian KGB taught me. He was a natural dissimulator. Perhaps that is the reason he took the nickname “Abu ‘Amaar,” recalling ‘Amaar, the first Muslim to practice taqiyya, the art of Islamic deception.

Think of it, he got a Nobel Peace Prize and a UN presence without having a country, an army or even a teleprompter.

There was an American president named Lincoln who said you could not fool all of the people all of the time.  Maybe.  But as I learned from Yasser, there is no limit on how much and how often you can fool someone, if they want to be fooled. There are even Zionists who think that Hamas in Gaza and the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt will make peace with them.

I must give Hamas and the Brotherhood credit. They are learning the tricks that Arafat and I taught them: Always tell people what they want to believe.

It is like telling the world that Raouf was killed with a Polish poison administered by Zionists. We know the truth. We know just how many ailments Raouf had.

We who pretend to be Palestinian leaders, we who pretend to be interested in peace, we know that Raouf was a homosexual pedophile. He had no interest in women, and no interest in peace with Israel, but only in taking pieces out of Israel.

As for “Palestine,” anyone who knows Arabic knows that “Palestine”   is a foreign word in Arabic. We do not even have a “P” in our alphabet. But there is a “P” in Hebrew, and  I love to watch Israeli leftists who never studied Arabic or our culture go into an ecstatic rapture about the need to establish “Palestine.”

Yes Raouf was right about the Israeli Left. There is no limit to how many times you can fool those who want to be fooled.

I hope when I die that they dig up my body too, like Raouf’s, and then re-bury me with full military honors. Then I will finally get the respect that is due me.

Dr. Michael Widlanski, an expert on Arab politics and communications, is the author of  Battle for Our Minds: Western Elites and the Terror Threat published by  Threshold/Simon and Schuster. A former reporter, correspondent and editor, respectively at The New York Times, Cox Newspapers and The Jerusalem Post, he was  Strategic Affairs Advisor in Israel’s Ministry of Public Security and teaches at Bar Ilan University.