Five Surefire Signs You’re About to Lose Your Job

August 15, 2013 8:43 am 0 comments

U.S. Department of Labor building in Washington D.C. Photo: Wiki Commons.

On August 9, the U.S. Department of Labor released the results of an exhaustive 10-year study into the most common symptoms associated with a dying business.

The report focuses on the analysis of former employees of such failed corporate entities as Te Casan (featuring Natalie Portman’s vegan-friendly footwear); Oprah Winfrey’s OWN television network; and the much ballyhooed Planet Hollywood endeavor – to name just three.

Below is the list of the top five indicators of imminent doom, based on the personal experiences and reflections of those who bore witness to the decline and fall of some highly touted business ventures.*

Beware of Men Bearing Blueprints: Cosmo K., a former employee at G.I. Joe’s – a privately owned retailer of sporting goods, ready-to-wear clothing, and auto parts – saw the writing on the wall long before the company collapsed in 2009. “I was having lunch on the roof of our office building in Eugene when out come four big guys with crew cuts. They were carrying rolled up blueprints. I asked one of them if they were here to fix the leak coming from the fifth floor toilet. He sneered, stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled out something that he then gave to me: it was a business card that had the name of the company he worked for…and it wasn’t G.I. Joe’s. We were laid off six months later.”

A Chronic Case of Urgency: “How many urgent meetings does a company need to hold in order to get it right?” asks Vicky V., a one-time staffer at subprime mortgage specialists American Freedom Mortgage, Inc. “I heard from a colleague of mine who survived the first wave of cuts that an urgent meeting was called on a Wednesday to discuss the ramifications of the previous urgent meeting that had been held that Monday.”

Hello, Neighbor! Peter P. from New York was a perfectly content senior level executive at Refco, a financial services company, when he started noticing a disconcerting trend: “The longer I was there, the faster the employee turnover rate became. By early 2005, it had gotten so insane that newbies were told by HR to wear ‘My name is’ stickers for their first six months at the company…assuming they lasted that long.”

Sharing a Cubicle with the IRS: Robert Z. was an account manager at Bethlehem Steel Corporation – at one time America’s second largest steel producer. He soon found himself working next to the IRS. “Stuck out like turds in a punch bowl, those bean counters. Pale, quiet… and they all smelled like glue. Anyhow, the brass tried to downplay it, but we all knew about the slush funds, managerial workshops held in the Caribbean, and of course those home office deductions. I mean it doesn’t take a CPA to figure out that answering e-mails on your laptop in front of your 72″ flat screen TV doesn’t qualify your living room as a deductible office space.” Bethlehem Steel Corporation filed for bankruptcy in 2001.

Carpooling with a Kardashian: Lois L. from California worked for a spell at the Kardashian Kard prepaid debit card company. “I knew that something stank when Kim Kardashian (the company’s creator and CEO) started hitting me up for rides to and from the cubicle every day. Turns out that her Rolls Royce, Mercedes, Porsche, and Ferrari had been repossessed. Things got so bad that Kim even started bumming cigarettes off me in the break room!”

The study was commissioned by former Labor Secretary Tyrone Moneypenny. Reached for comment while on a hike up an Australian mountain range with an unidentified Argentinean woman, Moneypenny stated that “…as the U.S. economy changes, training and employment programs must innovate and adapt to effectively warn American workers about the tell-tale signs of an impending corporate failure.”

*All names have been changed for confidentiality purposes.

Leave a Reply

Please note: comments may be published in the Algemeiner print edition.


Current day month ye@r *

More...

  • Sports Israeli Soccer Team Faces Prospect of International Ban

    Israeli Soccer Team Faces Prospect of International Ban

    The Israel National soccer team could be facing a World Cup ban, and other soccer sanctions, unless it alleviates travel restrictions and increases field access for Palestinian players and coaches. The head of the Palestinian Football Association is pushing for international soccer’s governing body, the Federation of International Football Associations (FIFA), to issue a ban on Israel competing internationally, claiming Israel’s restrictive travel for Palestinians is equivalent to a form of oppression. “It’s not only the athletes,” Jibril Rajoub explains. [...]

    Read more →
  • Beliefs and concepts Book Reviews Jewish Author of ‘Eat to Live’ Dishes on Health Care, Nutrition, Disease Prevention

    Jewish Author of ‘Eat to Live’ Dishes on Health Care, Nutrition, Disease Prevention

    JNS.org – While the national debate on “Obamacare” rages on past the recent March 31 sign-up deadline, bestselling Jewish author Dr. Joel Fuhrman says the “current disease care model of what we call ‘health care’ cannot possibly be sustained.” “There is simply not enough money available to support a system in which the lion’s share of expenditures is devoted to acute care, with virtually nothing being spent on preventive medicine, i.e. health care,” Fuhrman says in an interview. “To make [...]

    Read more →
  • Arts and Culture Jewish Identity ‘Tears of Color’ Art Exhibit Shows Struggles of Israelis With Eating Disorders

    ‘Tears of Color’ Art Exhibit Shows Struggles of Israelis With Eating Disorders

    JNS.org – “This is how I want to be—without fear. Independent. I want to be like a bird. I want to spread my wings.” So reads part of the description beneath one of the 30 paintings on display until the end of May at the ZOA House in Tel Aviv. The collection represents the first-ever art exhibit of its kind: an exhibit created entirely by Israelis in treatment for eating disorders. Dubbed “Tears of Color,” based on one of the [...]

    Read more →
  • Beliefs and concepts Book Reviews Overprotective or Loving? Daughters Reflect on Jewish Mothers in New Anthology

    Overprotective or Loving? Daughters Reflect on Jewish Mothers in New Anthology

    JNS.org – Rachel Ament noticed that she and her friends often shared humorous anecdotes that were typically variations on a theme: overprotective, worrying Jewish moms who smothered them with love. That included Ament’s own mother. “My mom is probably every Jewish stereotype scrunched into one,” the Washington, DC, resident tells JNS.org. “At the root of all these stereotypical, worrying, overprotective moms, is love.” A social media writer for Capital One, as well as a freelance writer, Ament decided about three years [...]

    Read more →
  • Book Reviews Commentary ‎Kosher Lust: Love is Not the Answer (REVIEW)

    ‎Kosher Lust: Love is Not the Answer (REVIEW)

    Kosher Lust, by Shmuley Boteach (Gefen Publishing House, 2014). You really do want to find something positive to say about Shmuley Boteach. He is a phenomenon; very bright, an articulate bundle of energy and self-promotion. Anyone who has the chutzpah to describe himself as “America’s Rabbi” deserves ten out of ten for effort. I believe that along with most Chabad alumni, official and unofficial, he does a lot of good and is a sort of national treasure. In this world [...]

    Read more →
  • Jewish Identity Theater Hollywood’s Revisiting of Passover’s Exodus Story a Part of Throwback ‘Year of the Bible’

    Hollywood’s Revisiting of Passover’s Exodus Story a Part of Throwback ‘Year of the Bible’

    JNS.org – In a throwback to the golden age of cinema, Hollywood has declared 2014 the “Year of the Bible.” From Ridley Scott’s Exodus starring Christian Bale as Moses, to Russell Crowe playing Noah, Hollywood is gambling on new innovations in technology and star power to revisit some of the most popular stories ever told. “It’s definitely a throwback to the 1950s and early ’60s,” Dr. Stephen J. Whitfield, an American Studies professor at Brandeis University, told JNS.org. Starting with The [...]

    Read more →
  • Arts and Culture US & Canada ‘Jewish Giant’ Headlines New York Jewish Museum Exhibit

    ‘Jewish Giant’ Headlines New York Jewish Museum Exhibit

    Eddie Carmel, dubbed “The Jewish Giant” by American photographer Diane Arbus, is the centerpiece of a new exhibit opening April 11 at The Jewish Museum in New York. Arbus met Carmel, who was billed “The World’s Tallest Man,” at Hubert’s Dime Museum and Flea Circus in 1959 but waited until 1970 to photograph him at his parents’ home in the Bronx, according to the museum. The son of immigrants from Tel Aviv, Carmel posed for Arbus with his head bowed to [...]

    Read more →
  • Music US & Canada Disney Hit ‘Frozen’ Gets Passover Themed Makeover With ‘Chozen’ (VIDEO)

    Disney Hit ‘Frozen’ Gets Passover Themed Makeover With ‘Chozen’ (VIDEO)

    A Passover themed cover of hit songs Let It Go and Do You Want to Build a Snowman? from Disney’s Frozen has attracted tons of media buzz and a cool 65,ooo views on YouTube within days of going online. The work of Jewish a capella group Six13, the track is aptly named Chozen. We are celebrating “our freedom, our favorite festival, our fabulous fans, and aspiring Disney princesses everywhere” the group said. The Chozen music video tells the story of [...]

    Read more →



Sign up now to receive our regular news briefs.