Tuesday, August 16th | 19 Av 5782

March 29, 2012 4:13 pm

Calling All Race Baiters: Jump on Board Before it’s Too Late

avatar by Moshe Averick

The Rev. Al Sharpton has been awarded the NAPRB's highest award of distinction: Master-Baiter

A Public Service Announcement from the NAPRB (National Association for the Perpetuation of Race-Baiting) – Wanted: Aspiring race-baiters to exploit a golden opportunity that may not last long. The recent shooting death of a 6-foot tall, black 17 year old male in Florida (don’t worry, we have cute photos of him from when he was 12), who was under a 10 day suspension from school has presented our race-baiting industry with opportunities that have not been available since Tawana Bradley was raped by the entire all-white Duke Lacrosse team and a black Harvard professor was nearly lynched outside his home by a mob of crazed Rush Limbaugh-fans and was miraculously rescued by the President of the United States, who is himself  a black male that looks like Trayvon Martin’s father (thank goodness the President got his father’s genes or he never could have been our savior). If anyone reading this finds himself quibbling about details then don’t bother applying, you’ll never have any success in our industry.

One of the consistent top performers among race-baiters, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, has already offered prayers of thanksgiving that the shooter of Trayvon Martin was a Hispanic male who doesn’t look too Hispanic, has a Jewish surname (hint: same as Bob Dylan’s real name), and most important of all, doesn’t have dark skin at all. Thank GD! Because if it had been another young black male who had killed Trayvon, that would be just another among the endless litany of black on black murders that take place all the time. After all, do you any of you really think that the news media wants to hear that according to FBI statistics, 91% of the 2867 blacks murdered in 2009, were murdered by other black men? BOOOOOOOOOORING! (Listen to me Bubbie, this is about RACISM, not the truth. If we talked about statistics like that we’d also have to start talking about the number of black children born out of wedlock and raised with no father. Even worse, we might have to actually start doing something about it instead of just handing out free condoms.)

More good news: It also turns out that the shooter was arrested on a minor charge seven years ago and there is a mug shot that has been plastered all over the internet. We also caught a lucky break that do-nothing publicity hound (a great compliment in our business) Jesse Jackson managed to stop himself from blurting out that Florida is a “hymie-state.”  OUR CUP RUNNETH OVER!! But it gets better and better….Kids, you are not going to believe this but in a stroke of marketing genius, TRAYVON MARTIN is now a registered trademark! If you get in early on licensing, not only can you get your face on the evening news looking appropriately mournful and indignant, there are bucks to be made! Can you imagine what would have been if someone had thought of making TAWANA BRADLEY a registered trademark?  We keep telling you all time: Think Outside the Box!

Yes, young race-baiters, I want you to picture yourselves achieving the same dizzying heights of shamelessness and phony self-righteousness as race baiting legends like Al Sharpton, the Black Panthers, and Sheila Jackson Lee. Don’t you guys understand, we can’t lose. If the legal system finds no evidence that Zimmerman was a racist and really acted in self-defense, so what, we’ll simply spin the findings as transparent racial bias in these here US of KKKA, and if he’s guilty….OMG, the sky’s the limit!!

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