The Stunning Rise of the World’s Sexiest Liberation Movement (SATIRE)
BDS Israel, the soft war aimed at turning Israel into a pariah state, has much to celebrate. Since it was first conceived at the 2001 Durban Conference on Racism – where Israel was singled out as the only nation on Earth that warranted the imposition of boycotts, divestment, and sanctions – the guerilla chic appeal of the movement has spread to American college campuses, the halls of the United Nations, and even an occasional Bat-Mitzvah.
Milestones in BDS history (a compressed chronology)
1. October, 2001: Unsuccessfully attempts to persuade Maddy Rosenthal of Great Neck, New York, to move her Bat Mitzvah from Jerusalem to a venue outside of Israel.
2. February, 2003: Proposed BDS Million Member March is moved to Skokie, Illinois, in the back yard of some guy named Dave.
3. April, 2004: Through use of savvy public relations campaign, attendance at Oberlin College protest quadruples from 1 to 4.
4. June, 2007: Exposes Israeli plot to make Palestinian schoolgirls sexually promiscuous by selling them aphrodisiac bubble-gum.
5. May, 2008: Changes type-font on all official BDS reading material from Myriad Pro Condensed to Prestige Light Standard.
6. September, 2009: Cancels movement’s subscription to Sports Illustrated as a result of the magazine’s use of Israeli swimsuits models.
7. January, 2010: BDS activist infiltrates the Concordant Publishing Concern, a leading printer and distributor of the Old Testament. The beret-wearing freedom fighter manages to alter the term ‘chosen people’ to ‘nosey people’ in that year’s edition of the Bible.
8. March, 2011: Lets the air out of one of the tires of an undergraduate student’s bike at the University of California, Irvine who bears an uncanny resemblance to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
9. November, 2012: Movement convinces the United Nations to formally condemn Israel for causing Hurricane Sandy.
10. May, 2013: BDS Israel plays a crucial role in the Republic of Nauru’s (an island country in Micronesia in the South Pacific) decision to issue a commemorative postage stamp honoring Roger Waters.
This was very much inspired by Larry Levick”Ž…