Abbas Stuns Arab and Jewish Audiences (SPOOF)
PLO leader Mahmoud Abbas stunned the Fatah Revolutionary Council on Wednesday, telling the group that he is against armed resistance and has no intention to enforce the “right of return.” He also said that he is willing to share access to Jerusalem’s holy sites with the Jews, and that he is against any sort of boycott of Israel. Furthermore, he hinted that he might be able to accept a compromise formula that recognizes Israel as a Jewish state.
As his audience gaped at him in horror, the leader strode briskly out of the room saying that he had another important meeting to attend.
But when he arrived in the Ramallah hotel where Israeli liberals eagerly gathered to hear his words, Abbas struck a more hostile tone. He shouted that “Palestinian martyrs” were the heroes of his people and that Jerusalem has always been an Islamic city since the time of the Muslim King Solomon. He said that the Mufti of Jerusalem in the 1920s and 1930s was a shining example for all Palestinian Arabs and that the Holocaust that he helped engineer was exaggerated.
Abbas then went on to describe his meeting a few years back with Samir Kuntar, the child killer who now lives in Lebanon, and how warm a man he is. He then said that he won’t rest until every Palestinian Arab goes back to their homes in Israel and that he would never, under any circumstances, accept Israel as a Jewish state. Abu Mazen, as he is known to Palestinians, then went on to say that Jews have no rights to live anywhere in Palestine except as second-class citizens under benevolent Muslim rule.
The audience became more uncomfortable as Mahmoud Abbas started to speak about his admiration of famous terrorist Dalal Mughrabi and how the Jewish Temples were a myth. However, Gideon Levy, covering the event for Haaretz, couldn’t stop himself from cheering throughout the speech, often shouting “You GO, Mahmoud!”
Twenty minutes into his speech, the 79-year old Abbas looked up from his prepared text and paused. He slowly took off his glasses, cleaned them, put them back on, peered around the room, and turned slightly pale. The PLO leader then quietly folded up the paper he was reading from, retrieved a different sheet of paper from another pocket, and then read the words that he had spoken earlier in the day at the Fatah Revolutionary Council meeting.
When Abbas was done talking about his love for peace and compromise, the Israeli liberals broke out in wild applause, giving him a standing ovation for his wisdom and moderation.