What in the World is Wrong With North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un? (SATIRE)
In recent days, the chattering class has taken up a new hobby: trying to figure out what is ailing avid bird watcher and Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Kim Jong-Un.
With the information flow out of East Asia’s ‘hermit kingdom’ being heavily censored by the state-controlled media apparatus, coverage of the North Korean dictator’s deteriorating health has been muted, spotty, and unsubstantiated.
Samuel Gatwick-Holmes, an Associate Professor of Political Science at Philander Smith College, is an internationally acclaimed expert on North Korea, and an avid bird watcher.
According to Gatwick-Holmes, there are five possible explanations for the toad king’s’ physical decline:
1) Allergy: Severe reaction caused by the consumption of tainted Beluga caviar that was served at the after execution party of Kim Jong-Un’s uncle, Jang Song Thaek.
2) Bladder Cancer: Puffing on hundreds of Cohiba Esplendido cigars while nervously pacing the halls of the General Satellite Control and Command Centre in the months leading up the launch of the Unha-3 (Milky Way 3) rocket may be at the root of the Kim’s current malaise.
3) Fractured Ankles: In late July, Mr. Kim attempted to do a 360-between-the- legs dunk against former NBA star Dennis Rodman during a pickup game in front of a sold out crowd at Rungrado May Day Stadium. The First Secretary of the Workers’ party landed awkwardly.
4) Tinnitus (ringing of the ears): Dating back to that crisp autumn day when a firing squad shot Kim’s ex-girlfriend, pop star Hyon Song-wol – best known for her hit song “Excellent Horse-Like Lady”.
5) Gout: An alternative scenario is that the Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army’s colossal ego is writing checks that his body can no longer cash. Infamous for his extravagant taste and lavish lifestyle, Lil’ Kim may be suffering from the gout, a sudden, severe attack of pain, redness, and tenderness in the joints that is frequently connected to drinking and obesity.