The Historical Precedents for the Iran Nuclear Deal (PARODY)
On October 5, 2014, a huge orange fireball illuminated Tehran. The explosion took place at Parchin, an Iranian military installation used for testing nuclear weapon triggers. Windows in the capital were shattered.
Last week, the AP reported that this same Parchin facility will be subject to inspection – by the Iranians themselves.
Under a secret side agreement between Iran and the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), Iran will provide photographs, videos, and environmental samples of the site, “using Iranian authenticated equipment.” The Director General of the IAEA will be permitted to visit the site “as a courtesy by Iran.”
The Parchin deal marks the point where tragedy turns into farce. There is no precedent for such an arrangement. Or is there?
President Franklin Roosevelt and Chancellor Adolph Hitler announced today that the United States and Germany had reached agreement on measures to reduce tension and increase cooperation between the two nations. Opponents of the Plan have objected that the Nazi regime is imprisoning Jews, trade unionists, and other opponents in concentration camps. The White House issued the following response:
“Thanks to Secretary of State Kerry, measures are in place to ensure that no such activities will occur. Thorough inspections will be conducted at all suspected sites. The inspections will be conducted by Einsatzgruppen, specially trained to locate Jews. We are confident that the allegations are groundless, and that not a single living Jew will be found.”
Off the record, a White House official observed that Jews were the only ones opposing the agreement, adding “Perhaps Colonel Lindbergh had a point about their loyalty.”
Washington DC, 1861
President Abraham Lincoln announced that war with the Confederacy had been averted. After meeting with Southern leaders, Lincoln proclaimed that the Confederates had agreed to emancipate their slaves immediately. Skeptics have expressed doubts about the reliability of their promises. President Lincoln addressed these concerns:
“We are not relying on the goodwill alone of the slaveholders. Instead, Secretary of State Kerry has negotiated a program of inspections designed to ensure that not a single plantation has any slaves on the premises. The inspections will be carried out by slave-owners themselves, for no one is better trained at tracking slaves than they are. If any slaves are around, I’m sure they will find them.”
The White House noted that the only opponents of the inspection plan were abolitionists like William Lloyd Garrison and free slaves like Frederick Douglass. An aide observed, confidentially: “There’s not much we can do about the abolitionist wing of our party.”
Giza, Egypt 1460 B.C.E.
God announced today that He had reached agreement with Pharaoh Amenhotep II on the exodus of His People out of Egypt. The agreement was achieved just as The Holy One had readied a series of sanctions, consisting of ten plagues, to visit upon the Egyptians.
The Supreme Being thanked Secretary of State John, Son of Richard, who worked out the details of the departure. Egyptian charioteers will escort the Children of Israel from Giza to the Red Sea. Kerry’s Office released the following papyrus: “We are confident that the Egyptians will live up to their obligations and allow the slaves to depart peacefully. But we are not relying solely on their good faith. If the Egyptians fail to abide by the agreement, the ten plagues will snap back.”
Sources close to Adonai expressed admiration for John, Son of Richard. “He’s been much more pragmatic than that zealot Moses. With Moses out of the picture, I’m sure the exodus will go smoothly, and the Hebrews will reach Canaan shortly. Forty days at most.”
The self-inspection scheme for Parchin should prove every bit as dependable as these famous precedents.