The Idiots Guide to Wooing Jewish Women

May 17, 2012 2:58 pm 3 comments

Harry Winston Jewelers on Fifth Avenue, New York City. Photo: wiki commons.

Young Jewish men face a variety of questions when it comes to dating: Should I bring my own challah? Who says the blessings over the candles at a romantic restaurant? How do I show her I’m cool without directly referencing how I aced my Haftorah portion?

I know, just thinking about it is making you nervous, but that’s our natural state. We all know some of the traditional wisdom men are given for dating. Allow me to take that advice to the next level, and show you an ideal date where your lady will have the best time one can have without even setting foot in a store that sells fine Judaica.

You pick her up in your choice 1998 Toyota Avalon with electronic seat adjustment technology. You mention you call your Avalon “Lonnie” for short, and she is undoubtedly super impressed.

Manliness

Now be careful here, the first stop sets the tone for the entire night. Apparently some people see Jewish men as nebbish and overly sensitive, which makes me cry. Fight that stereotype and take her to just that: a fight. It shows that you’re a man who knows what’s going on in the streets. You don’t actually have to brawl, just make knowledgeable offhand comments like “that guy has serious fists” and “these days the real fight is in the economy.”

Generosity

With your masculinity secured, it’s time to take her out to a nice meal and really get to know her. Here you want to show her that you’re a capable Jewish provider, so upon sitting down, immediately announce your intentions to not only buy dinner but also the table and chairs where you’re sitting. Then, give your lady a smirk with one eyebrow raised. Women aren’t sure if that means you’re being coy or trying to get something out of your teeth, but either way, jackpot.

Work

If she asks what you do and you’re not a doctor or a lawyer—that’s okay—it’s important to just be passionate about your job. If you are a doctor or a lawyer, I hate you, but I also have several rash-related questions, both medical and legal; please e-mail me.

Confidence

In dating, listening attentively and having an opinion is certainly important, but how do you distinguish yourself from the other guys? You want her to know that no one is surer of themselves than you. Every time she states an opinion, choose a side and then yell “YES” or “NO” and slam your fists down on the table. When you state your own opinions, loudly follow them up with “AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT.” And she will, to her diary, when describing how awesome you are.

Judaism

Whether she is Jewish or not, she will appreciate the forethought and organization of a man who is prepared. Mention how ready you are for upcoming Jewish holidays: You already hid the afikomen for next year, you regularly throw darts at a picture of Haman, and you’re already feeling all your Jewish guilt in advance of actually doing something wrong. Both the mother in her and her actual mother will be proud.

Lock It Up

The all-important kiss at the door. To ease awkwardness, mention the one thing that will be near a Jewish girl’s door: the mezuzah. Tell her that her eyes are more beautiful than the mezuzah’s distinctive patterns, or alternatively just distract her with a question about the mezuzah and go straight in for a neck kiss.

Leave your lady watching you confidently use remote control technology to unlock your car doors, and ride off into the night, five miles under the speed limit and careful to obey all traffic laws.

3 Comments

Leave a Reply

Please note: comments may be published in the Algemeiner print edition.


Current day month ye@r *

More...

  • Blogs Music Beatlemania Invades the Gaza Strip (SATIRE)

    Beatlemania Invades the Gaza Strip (SATIRE)

    As Hamas loses its grip on power in the Gaza Strip as a result of war, poverty and disillusionment, the Islamist terrorist group has developed an ingenious way to raise the moral of the 1.7 million Palestinian Arabs it was elected to serve. While currently focused on delivering a rocket into every Israeli home, Hamas has not left its own people behind. To gently wipe away the tears of children strategically placed inside kindergartens as human shields, the Hamas Interior Ministry has [...]

    Read more →
  • Arts and Culture Spirituality/Tradition Removing Jesus’ Jewish Identity From Artwork

    Removing Jesus’ Jewish Identity From Artwork

    In a strong statement that challenges the historic divide between Christianity and Judaism, Pope Francis recently proclaimed, “Inside every Christian is a Jew.” But if you look at Renaissance artworks that depict Jesus, you will not find any evidence of a Jew inside the Christianized Jesus — even though the Gospels in the New Testament tell us that Jesus was Jewish to the core. Getting that point across to the public is a daunting task, as I learned in interviews I [...]

    Read more →
  • Music Personalities Recycling His Roots

    Recycling His Roots

    JNS.org – Having started his career playing on his family’s pots and pans, Jewish musician Billy Jonas has maintained this homemade performance ethic while spreading his messages of simple living and environmentalism to a shared home throughout the world. After beginning in the kitchen, Jonas soon moved to the music room, where he picked up the piano, guitar, and trombone. These days, the multi-talented multi-instrumentalist plays on with pretty much anything he can find, including cans, bottles buckets, and other recycled-object [...]

    Read more →
  • Book Reviews Personalities Jewish Renewal Movement Founder’s Insights Form a New Guide for Senior Living

    Jewish Renewal Movement Founder’s Insights Form a New Guide for Senior Living

    JNS.org – Sara Davidson’s The December Project is a new book that should be read by all senior citizens, and by those who hope to live a long life, for it raises a question that most of us have not been taught how to answer: What should we do in that final stage of our lives? Many of us continue working past the traditional retirement age of 65, not because we need the money and not because we find the [...]

    Read more →
  • Book Reviews Jewish History Why the Holocaust Occurred in Germany, and Why So Few Resisted (REVIEW)

    Why the Holocaust Occurred in Germany, and Why So Few Resisted (REVIEW)

    It’s hard to make a new contribution to the field of Holocaust studies,  but German historian Götz Aly accomplishes just that in Why the Germans, Why the Jews? His premise is that the origins of the Holocaust were rooted in the specific anti-Semitism found in Germany in the decades and centuries before World War II. Aly (who is not Jewish) seeks to prove his theory by studying only pre-Holocaust history, and tracing how the German people’s envy and hatred of [...]

    Read more →
  • Arts and Culture Blogs Looking at Anti-Israel Celebrities and Their Brands

    Looking at Anti-Israel Celebrities and Their Brands

    JNS.org – During the current conflict in Gaza a number of celebrities have voiced their opinions in support of either the Israeli or Palestinian positions. But others—be it during Operation Protective Edge or at other times—have gone further than simply supporting the Palestinians by actively supporting the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) movement against Israel, making false accusations about the Jewish state, ignoring Israel’s position on the conflict, or justifying the actions of the terrorist group Hamas. Many of these [...]

    Read more →
  • Blogs Sports Israeli UFC Fighter Returns to Jewish State to Rejoin IDF

    Israeli UFC Fighter Returns to Jewish State to Rejoin IDF

    JNS.org – Days after winning his Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) featherweight bout against Steven Siler on July 26, Israeli-born mixed martial arts competitor Noad Lahat boarded a plane for his native country, choosing to temporarily exit UFC’s octagonal cage to rejoin the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) as a paratrooper for its operation against Hamas in Gaza. Except he didn’t actually consider it a choice. “When [our] home is in danger, there is no other way for us [but to serve [...]

    Read more →
  • Education Why We Should Invest in Jewish Children

    Why We Should Invest in Jewish Children

    JNS.org – My wife Suzy and I will never forget our wedding day. It was not just the uplifting ceremony and beautiful party that left an indelible mark. Some life-altering advice that we received from one of our guests informed and shaped our lives from that day forward. My high school teacher, Rabbi Moshe Yagid, pulled us aside just before the chuppah and challenged us to choose one mitzvah that would be the foundation of our marriage and our lives. He explained [...]

    Read more →



Sign up now to receive our regular news briefs.