Sign up now to receive our regular news briefs.

The Idiots Guide to Wooing Jewish Women

May 17, 2012 2:58 pm 3 comments

Harry Winston Jewelers on Fifth Avenue, New York City. Photo: wiki commons.

Young Jewish men face a variety of questions when it comes to dating: Should I bring my own challah? Who says the blessings over the candles at a romantic restaurant? How do I show her I’m cool without directly referencing how I aced my Haftorah portion?

I know, just thinking about it is making you nervous, but that’s our natural state. We all know some of the traditional wisdom men are given for dating. Allow me to take that advice to the next level, and show you an ideal date where your lady will have the best time one can have without even setting foot in a store that sells fine Judaica.

You pick her up in your choice 1998 Toyota Avalon with electronic seat adjustment technology. You mention you call your Avalon “Lonnie” for short, and she is undoubtedly super impressed.

Manliness

Now be careful here, the first stop sets the tone for the entire night. Apparently some people see Jewish men as nebbish and overly sensitive, which makes me cry. Fight that stereotype and take her to just that: a fight. It shows that you’re a man who knows what’s going on in the streets. You don’t actually have to brawl, just make knowledgeable offhand comments like “that guy has serious fists” and “these days the real fight is in the economy.”

Generosity

With your masculinity secured, it’s time to take her out to a nice meal and really get to know her. Here you want to show her that you’re a capable Jewish provider, so upon sitting down, immediately announce your intentions to not only buy dinner but also the table and chairs where you’re sitting. Then, give your lady a smirk with one eyebrow raised. Women aren’t sure if that means you’re being coy or trying to get something out of your teeth, but either way, jackpot.

Work

If she asks what you do and you’re not a doctor or a lawyer—that’s okay—it’s important to just be passionate about your job. If you are a doctor or a lawyer, I hate you, but I also have several rash-related questions, both medical and legal; please e-mail me.

Confidence

In dating, listening attentively and having an opinion is certainly important, but how do you distinguish yourself from the other guys? You want her to know that no one is surer of themselves than you. Every time she states an opinion, choose a side and then yell “YES” or “NO” and slam your fists down on the table. When you state your own opinions, loudly follow them up with “AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT.” And she will, to her diary, when describing how awesome you are.

Judaism

Whether she is Jewish or not, she will appreciate the forethought and organization of a man who is prepared. Mention how ready you are for upcoming Jewish holidays: You already hid the afikomen for next year, you regularly throw darts at a picture of Haman, and you’re already feeling all your Jewish guilt in advance of actually doing something wrong. Both the mother in her and her actual mother will be proud.

Lock It Up

The all-important kiss at the door. To ease awkwardness, mention the one thing that will be near a Jewish girl’s door: the mezuzah. Tell her that her eyes are more beautiful than the mezuzah’s distinctive patterns, or alternatively just distract her with a question about the mezuzah and go straight in for a neck kiss.

Leave your lady watching you confidently use remote control technology to unlock your car doors, and ride off into the night, five miles under the speed limit and careful to obey all traffic laws.

3 Comments

Leave a Reply

Please note: comments may be published in the Algemeiner print edition. Comments written in all caps will be deleted.


Current day month ye@r *

More...

  • Arts and Culture Middle East Larry King Asks Saudi Arabian Fan If Taking Pictures With Jews Is Permitted

    Larry King Asks Saudi Arabian Fan If Taking Pictures With Jews Is Permitted

    Jewish former CNN host Larry King asked a Saudi Arabian fan if taking pictures with Jews is allowed in his country, before agreeing to pose for a photo with the man, The New York Times reported on Wednesday. The world-famous interviewer was leaving the Ritz Carlton hotel in Washington, D.C. with a New York Times reporter when a “dark-skinned man” approached and asked to take a picture with him, according to the publication. Whereupon, King asked the fan where he was from. When the man said Saudi […]

    Read more →
  • Europe Sports Britain’s Lord Sugar Says Synagogues Will Be Empty With Yom Kippur Matchup of Jewish-Supported Soccer Teams

    Britain’s Lord Sugar Says Synagogues Will Be Empty With Yom Kippur Matchup of Jewish-Supported Soccer Teams

    British-Jewish business tycoon Lord Alan Sugar joked on Wednesday that London synagogues will likely be empty during Yom Kippur with congregants fleeing to watch the match-up of two leading English soccer teams known for having hordes of Jewish fans. “Spurs V Arsenal cup game drawn on most important Jewish festival,” Lord Sugar pointed out on Twitter. “Both teams have loads of Jewish fans. Conclusion Synagogues will be empty.” North London rivals Tottenham Hotspur and Arsenal FC will go head-to-head in the Capital One Cup third-round […]

    Read more →
  • Arts and Culture US & Canada Jewish Men Pass Jimmy Kimmel Social Experiment, Rescuing ‘Spongebob’ in Distress (VIDEO)

    Jewish Men Pass Jimmy Kimmel Social Experiment, Rescuing ‘Spongebob’ in Distress (VIDEO)

    Two Jewish men were the only unwitting participants in a social experiment conducted by Jimmy Kimmel, for his popular TV show. As part of a candid-camera-like sketch featured Monday night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, the host devised different street scenes to observe human behavior — in particular, to see how long it would take people walking down California’s bustling Hollywood Boulevard to notice and interact with others in distress. One scene involved a man in a Spongebob Squarepants costume who had “fallen down” on the sidewalk and needed help […]

    Read more →
  • Education US & Canada International Jewish Organization Blasts Israeli-Born Star Natalie Portman for Comments on Holocaust Education

    International Jewish Organization Blasts Israeli-Born Star Natalie Portman for Comments on Holocaust Education

    A major Jewish organization rebuked actress Natalie Portman on Monday for saying in a recent interview that Jews put too much emphasis on teaching about the Holocaust relative to other genocides. The Israeli-born movie star told the U.K.’s Independent that the Jewish community needs to examine how much focus it puts on Holocaust education over other issues. She said she was shocked when she learned that a genocide was taking place in Rwanda while she was in school learning only about the horrors of the […]

    Read more →
  • Arts and Culture Israel Book Draws Parallels Between Holocaust and Palestinian Nakba, Sparks Outrage

    Book Draws Parallels Between Holocaust and Palestinian Nakba, Sparks Outrage

    JNS.org – A new book that draws parallels between the Holocaust and the Palestinian Nakba (the Arabic term for the displacement of Palestinian refugees during Israel’s War of Independence) has sparked outrage ahead of an official book launch, to be hosted by the Van Leer Jerusalem Institute on Sept. 7. The Zionist organization Im Tirtzu wrote a letter to the institute demanding that it cancel an event it planned in honor of the book’s authors, under the title The Holocaust and […]

    Read more →
  • Education US & Canada Natalie Portman Says Holocaust Education Shouldn’t be Used for ‘Fearmongering’

    Natalie Portman Says Holocaust Education Shouldn’t be Used for ‘Fearmongering’

    Famed actress Natalie Portman warned on Friday against the use of Holocaust education to evoke fear and paranoia. In an interview with the U.K. Independent she added that the trauma should make Jews more empathetic to others who have also experienced hatred. “Sometimes it can be subverted to fearmongering and like ‘Another Holocaust is going to happen,’” the Israeli-American star said. “We need to, of course, be aware that hatred exists, antisemitism exists against all sorts of people, not in the same way. I […]

    Read more →
  • Book Reviews Commentary A Righteous Gentile Navigates the Sharkpool of Washington’s Middle East Correspondents (REVIEW)

    A Righteous Gentile Navigates the Sharkpool of Washington’s Middle East Correspondents (REVIEW)

    The Tribalist, by Louis Marano, is ostensibly a work of fiction but at its core a kind of love song by a gentile journalist for the State of Israel, and especially its secular Zionist core. (Because of the relentless attacks by left-wing polemicists on Israel’s allegedly “messianic” fringe, it’s often forgotten that most of Israel’s founders and all its leaders have been secular Zionists.) The author, the product of an Italian-American family in Buffalo, served two tours of duty in […]

    Read more →
  • Food Jewish Identity Rugelach Roundtable: Does Beloved Pastry Need Dairy to Taste Good?

    Rugelach Roundtable: Does Beloved Pastry Need Dairy to Taste Good?

    JNS.org – Rugelach (singular: rugala) are a beloved traditional Jewish pastry, with a quirky history to boot, but they often present a kosher conundrum. Though parve rugelach are often a preferred dessert after a meat meal for those observing kosher laws (which stipulate a waiting period between eating meat and dairy), some of today’s most popular rugelach are known for their dairy fillings. Pastry chef Paula Shoyer—author of the books “The Kosher Baker: Over 160 Dairy-free Recipes from Traditional to Trendy” and […]

    Read more →