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August 19, 2012 3:45 am

Top Ten Jews Helping the Goyim (SPOOF)

avatar by Ari Teman

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Sergey Brin. Photo: wiki commons.

My friend Dovid Efune, editor of The Algemeiner, has a yearly list, “Top 10 Non-Jews Positively Influencing the Jewish Future.” It’s nice to see the tables turned: Jews making lists of Goyim! (If you don’t know what a “Goy” is, you are one.) Plus, it begs for us to flip it on its head and make our semi-annual list of, “Top Ten Jews Helping the Goyim.”

Michael Bloomberg

Running on the campaign, “Hey, fatty, put down that soda, and step out of the bar with that cigarette”, Michael Bloomberg secured himself a position as Mayor of the Greatest City on Earth, but instead took a job as Mayor of New York. He had tough shoes to fill, following Mayor Giuliani’s massive cleanup of crime, and his heroic response to 9-11, but Bloomberg has proven to be a powerfully efficient leader, further cleaning up NYC. Don’t get me wrong, the place is still filthy.

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Ron Popeil

You know him as the inventor of the Showtime Rotisserie, Chop-o-Matic, and Pocket Fisherman (“Is that a fishing rod in your pocket?”), and I don’t know why he isn’t heralded as the world’s greatest Jew. Do we not have enough space on our kitchen counters for him? People, the man chops vegetables, cooks meats, scrambles eggs. But wait, there’s more!

Michael Pollan

Are you really going to eat that? The author of Omnivore’s Dilemma slapped America’s face wide awake with his detailed investigations into how our food is made. Or, really, how what we eat has been made into non-food. Pollan’s work may help reverse the growing obesity of millions of goyim, or as they’re called, “Midwesterners.”

Billy Crystal

The day Billy Crystal dies they should just shut down the Oscars. Nobody hosts like this baseball-obsessed Jew.  He can sing, he can dance, and he can poke fun at Jack Nicholson. Crystal also helped the homeless as host of Comic Relief. Where would the goyim be without him? Stuck watching the People’s Choice Awards.

Alan Dershowitz

As Adam Sandler sang, “OJ Simpson: Not a Jew.” Dershowitz is one of the most influential attorneys in the USA, defending goyim (and Jews) charged in the toughest cases, while standing up for animal rights, civil liberties, and taking the occasional shot at Jimmy Carter, who is asking for it.

Shai Agassi

What!? There are cars that run on electricity!? We haven’t seen that since…well, there were electric cars back in 1828… but Agassi’s real accomplishment is building grids of charging stations and battery-replacement stations all over the world, starting with Israel and expanding to San Francisco, Japan, Denmark, China and Australia. That means making deals with powerful governments, municipalities, and organizations that were deemed impenetrable. Against all odds, thanks to Agassi and his team, electric cars are on their way and OPEC is on notice. That’s good for the Jews, true, but also great for millions of goyim who will save on gas and cut those toxic fumes.

Binyamin Netanyahu

What’s the leader of the Jewish State doing on a list for helping goyim? Simple. First, Israel now has the largest growing population of Christians in the Middle East. That’s thanks to the country’s strong defense of religious freedom. Second, Netanyahu is the only most outspoken world leader to put Iran on notice for developing nuclear weaponry. That’s good for everyone.

Mark Zuckerberg

Can that number be right? Somebody poke me. Over 800 million people — or the population of one NYC Subway car — use Zuckerberg’s Facebook to kill time in their otherwise meaningless existences. When not helping to fan the flames of the Arab Spring and topple sordid regimes (“MySpace”), Zuckerberg’s site enables millions of goyim to share photos of kittens.

Sergey Brin and Larry Page

Not to be outdone by Zuckerberg, Brinn and Page enable billions of goyim to share videos of kittens. They also founded and control Google, a website (find it at www.Google.com and tell your friends!) with all the information you’ll ever need (by which I mean links to Wikipedia articles) and Gmail, which makes it easy to search and sort your old emails so you can continue living in the past.

Have Jew you think is helping goyim? Leave them in the comments.

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  • How about help Israel?

    Desert Cattle to the Rescue, Texas Longhorn

    I like guns but for me they are just tools, a tool to protect the cattle and myself. But the cattle have something better, sharp horns. They can kill and it takes a lot less explaining afterwards then it does if I shot the SOB.

    Israeli Ranches are being attacked, their land being stolen and their passive European cattle are being mutilated and killed by local Arabs and by natural predators, wolves and jackals. Israeli European beef cattle are incompatible with Israel’s desert environment. This has resulted in many problems including high calf losses, (as high as 30%). Israel needs desert cattle that fits its environment and can defend it’s self and it’s calves. That breed of cattle is Texas Longhorn. We are 501 c 3 non-profit. To start we need $256,000. Go to our website and donate: http://LonghornProject.org
    Recently, I received reports of ranchers and their families being murdered.
    We will be using 22nd century cattle handle methods called, Stockmanship and ecological grazing techniques called Strategic Grazing. Both will be taught to Israeli Ranchers.

    Stockmanship

    A method of moving cattle without stress, it is a method that uses the cow or herd’s body space. Just like in people when someone gets to close to you, you move away from the pressure. Cattle do the very same thing. We use press and release with the cattle simple by moving into their personal space and then releasing the pressure by moving out. This causes then to yield to then pressure and move off in the direction we asked for. This can be use for any kind of herd animal. Once the pressure is released the animal feels relief and stays in the location you place them until you move them again. Animals demonstrate a positive and pleasurable response to this method of movement, Stockmanship.

    This method of animal handling also improves meat quality, increasing tenderness, increasing meat quantity. It decreases disease and meat deformity and discoloring. There are fewer dark cutters therefore more kosher cattle.
    Strategic Grazing

    A method of herd grazing using every part of your pasture. Cattle or herd animals prefer grazing in the same locations every day, where they are most comfortable. This does not allow the plant life to restore itself, causing defoliation. While other areas become over grown.

    Dividing your pasture into equal parts and having your herd graze in each area separately before moving on to the next. Resting grazed areas for days, weeks or even months, restoring plant life. This can be done with electric fencing or even better it can be done with Stockmanship.

    Robin Rosenblatt, M.Sc. (ex Israeli Solider, past anti Terrorist Agent)
    Director – The Longhorn Project
    501(c) 3 Nonprofit #74-3177354
    815 Hill St. # 5
    Belmont, CA 94002
    650.631.9270

  • Whenever there is disaster in the woeld, Israel are the first country to come ro the aid and the Israelis don’t look if the country is not Jewish. Unlike the Arabs who will not help any jew.

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