Top Ten Jews Helping the Goyim (SPOOF)
by Ari Teman
My friend Dovid Efune, editor of The Algemeiner, has a yearly list, “Top 10 Non-Jews Positively Influencing the Jewish Future.” It’s nice to see the tables turned: Jews making lists of Goyim! (If you don’t know what a “Goy” is, you are one.) Plus, it begs for us to flip it on its head and make our semi-annual list of, “Top Ten Jews Helping the Goyim.”
Running on the campaign, “Hey, fatty, put down that soda, and step out of the bar with that cigarette”, Michael Bloomberg secured himself a position as Mayor of the Greatest City on Earth, but instead took a job as Mayor of New York. He had tough shoes to fill, following Mayor Giuliani’s massive cleanup of crime, and his heroic response to 9-11, but Bloomberg has proven to be a powerfully efficient leader, further cleaning up NYC. Don’t get me wrong, the place is still filthy.
You know him as the inventor of the Showtime Rotisserie, Chop-o-Matic, and Pocket Fisherman (“Is that a fishing rod in your pocket?”), and I don’t know why he isn’t heralded as the world’s greatest Jew. Do we not have enough space on our kitchen counters for him? People, the man chops vegetables, cooks meats, scrambles eggs. But wait, there’s more!
Are you really going to eat that? The author of Omnivore’s Dilemma slapped America’s face wide awake with his detailed investigations into how our food is made. Or, really, how what we eat has been made into non-food. Pollan’s work may help reverse the growing obesity of millions of goyim, or as they’re called, “Midwesterners.”
The day Billy Crystal dies they should just shut down the Oscars. Nobody hosts like this baseball-obsessed Jew. He can sing, he can dance, and he can poke fun at Jack Nicholson. Crystal also helped the homeless as host of Comic Relief. Where would the goyim be without him? Stuck watching the People’s Choice Awards.
As Adam Sandler sang, “OJ Simpson: Not a Jew.” Dershowitz is one of the most influential attorneys in the USA, defending goyim (and Jews) charged in the toughest cases, while standing up for animal rights, civil liberties, and taking the occasional shot at Jimmy Carter, who is asking for it.
What!? There are cars that run on electricity!? We haven’t seen that since…well, there were electric cars back in 1828… but Agassi’s real accomplishment is building grids of charging stations and battery-replacement stations all over the world, starting with Israel and expanding to San Francisco, Japan, Denmark, China and Australia. That means making deals with powerful governments, municipalities, and organizations that were deemed impenetrable. Against all odds, thanks to Agassi and his team, electric cars are on their way and OPEC is on notice. That’s good for the Jews, true, but also great for millions of goyim who will save on gas and cut those toxic fumes.
What’s the leader of the Jewish State doing on a list for helping goyim? Simple. First, Israel now has the largest growing population of Christians in the Middle East. That’s thanks to the country’s strong defense of religious freedom. Second, Netanyahu is the only most outspoken world leader to put Iran on notice for developing nuclear weaponry. That’s good for everyone.
Can that number be right? Somebody poke me. Over 800 million people — or the population of one NYC Subway car — use Zuckerberg’s Facebook to kill time in their otherwise meaningless existences. When not helping to fan the flames of the Arab Spring and topple sordid regimes (“MySpace”), Zuckerberg’s site enables millions of goyim to share photos of kittens.
Sergey Brin and Larry Page
Not to be outdone by Zuckerberg, Brinn and Page enable billions of goyim to share videos of kittens. They also founded and control Google, a website (find it at www.Google.com and tell your friends!) with all the information you’ll ever need (by which I mean links to Wikipedia articles) and Gmail, which makes it easy to search and sort your old emails so you can continue living in the past.
Have Jew you think is helping goyim? Leave them in the comments.