Thank You for Visiting the Islamic Republic of Fred

Ayatollah Seyed Ali Khāmenei, Superme Leader of Iran. Photo: Sajed.ir.

Some countries just can’t catch a break. Blinded by the bright hot lights of international scrutiny, a flock of black sheep within the family of nations is losing its way, repeatedly roaming on to the world’s headlines – for all the wrong reasons.

A point of critical mass has been reached, where the negative images invoked by such words as ‘Iran’, ‘Syria’, ‘North Korea’ – to name but three – are actually causing a well-meaning but misguided international community  to question the very legitimacy of certain governments.

Outrageous.

To counter the bad press, a re-branding is in order. But first the world’s tin pan tyrants and impotent governments need to acknowledge that their brand is no longer achieving the desired result (carte blanche to rape and pillage domestically; traffic in death, drugs and other assorted mayhem internationally).

Then, the goal should be to try and revive the brand with a new look and feel.

Luckily for the neighborhood bullies in our midst, we live in an age transformed by globalization. While most ‘rogue’ (how gauche) nations remain hopelessly analog in a world gone digital, the secret to winning over hearts and minds is in adopting a web 2.0 mindset.

Branding in an online environment has a much shorter time frame than branding through traditional media. With the world’s digitized attention span shrinking to the size of a goldfish, the news moves quickly – and is quickly forgotten.

With a splash of color and catchy new name, there’s no reason to believe that today’s D-list countries can’t reclaim the narrative. Below, are a list of suggested re-branding strategies that are guaranteed to change perceptions, repair relations and keep those pesky United Nations weapons inspectors away.

The Name Game: ‘Islamic Republic of Iran’ conjures up a set of visceral images: wild-eyed Mullahs, foreign embassies being stormed, public hangings, etc. A slight tweaking of the name will serve to lessen such hard-wired knee-jerk associations.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the ‘Islamic Republic of Fred‘. Far-fetched, you say? History begs to differ: ‘Iran’ is little more than a re-branding of what was once called ‘Persia’.

Maximize your Motto: Many countries around the world use mottos to express the characteristics or beliefs that define their citizens  In our dusty and dangerous neighborhood, a well-worded motto can go a long way to diffuse tensions.

For example: ‘Palestine: where human rights, peace, love, understanding, harmony and infinite patience call home.’ Can’t you just feel your muscles begin to relax?

Admittedly,Palestine isn’t a country per se, at least not yet. Still, if it is to become one, a proactive public relations campaign will go far in changing the image of Ramallah as corrupt, ineffective and unresponsive to the needs of the Palestinian people.

In the Nick of Time: Some countries have such a toxic relationship with Reuters, AP, Bloomberg and other leading international news agencies that nothing less than a complete name replacement will suffice. Many nations already have nicknames (Australia: ‘The Lucky Country’, Chile: ‘The Land of Poets’).

Israel, for one, is a country that suffers from chronically negative press coverage and could use a good nickname that would emphasize its geographic insignificance, hence taking back the ‘David versus Goliath’ narrative away from the Palestinians.

Try this one on for size: ‘Israel: ‘The Little Big Heart of the Middle East’. Another possibility is: ‘Israel: God’s Little Rascal.’