Hamas Embarks on Campaign to Stomp Out Carnations (SATIRE)
Seeking to beat back a recent outbreak of optimism about the future, the Islamist Hamas movement has taken a number of extraordinary steps in recent days to redirect Palestinians’ myriad of frustrations outward: at Israel, the United States and… pretty little carnations.
Hamas is reacting to a disturbing new poll that was recently conducted by the reputable Al Quds Center for Policy and Infidel Research, based out of room #72 of East Jerusalem’s American Colony Hotel.
First, some bad news for the bandanna wearing street fighters: 85 percent of those polled answered ‘yes’ to the following question: have you grown tired of the perpetual struggle to rid “the best community that has been raised up for mankind” of the Zionist interlopers who are currently squatting like Pygmies in the homes of our ancestors, or at least the homes of our ancestors’ absentee Turkish landlords?
However, Hamas can take solace from a couple of other numbers: 69 percent of the electorate in both the West Bank and Gaza think that Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh is ‘dope freshness’, with his trimmed salt and pepper beard and homicidal anti-Semitism. In contrast, 78 percent believe that Palestinian Authority leader Mahmoud Abbas is ‘a constipated squirrel’. The poll also found that 86 percent were ‘baffled’ by Jackie Weaver’s Best Supporting Actress Oscar nomination for Silver Linings Playbook.
In response to what it perceives as Jihad fatigue, Hamas is now seeking to reignite the rage that propelled the movement into power seven years ago, when it won a landslide victory in a Palestinian general election. Recent legislative moves include a new law banning mixed sex schooling and the imposition of a 500 percent tariff on nail polish, moisturizers and all Nair hair removal products.
But the ban on flowers is the Islamic Resistance Movement’s boldest stroke yet. Hamas Minister of Homes and Gardens, Dr. Said Abu Sababa said on Monday night that the power of flowers to trigger happy emotions, heighten feelings of life satisfaction and affect social behavior in a positive manner is “a menace to Palestinian society.” Dr. Sababa elaborated further, asserting that “flowers produce unnatural feelings of optimism that must be eradicated – uprooted, if you will.”
Seeking to rid the Gaza Strip of any uplifting colors except green, Hamas is organizing a series of public flower burnings. The Islamist group believes that the intermingling scents of Roses, Lilies, Tulips, Carnations and Orchids that will fill the night sky mark the latest phase in the liberation of Palestine, from the river to the sea. Cotton Candy, popcorn and soft drinks will be sold around the various bonfires.
Regarding wild fields of flowers that are too vast to be plucked clean, the Hamas Ministry of Education has drawn up plans to establish a chain of military academies that will educate schoolchildren to live productive 21st century lives. Specifically, children in grades 7-9 will be trained in basic marksmanship with an M-16, basic survival techniques and the proper use of stolen Israeli night vision equipment.
This piece originally appeared in the Times of Israel.