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September 1, 2015 6:48 am

Bibi and Abu Mazen Conduct Candid Conversation (PARODY)

avatar by Alon Ben-Meir

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Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and PA President Mahmoud Abbas. Photo: Wiki Commons.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and PA President Mahmoud Abbas. Photo: Wiki Commons.

The following conversation between Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu (Bibi) and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas (Abu Mazen) is fictitious.

The setting: Bibi and Abu Mazen happen to come to East Jerusalem and stumble into each other at the Colony Hotel. They approached to say hello and felt that a brief private meeting would do no harm. A few minutes later, they adjourned to a secure room in the hotel.

Abu Mazen: So how are you Bibi? I guess it is ok to call you Bibi!

Bibi: Of course, after all we are friends; how are you and how are your kids?

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Abu Mazen: My kids? My kids are fine but let’s not stretch it, since when did we become friends?

Bibi: Well you know Abu Mazen, we live side by—

Abu Mazen: Spare me all this hullabaloo. Neighbors, ha! We have a big problem with you my friend.

Bibi: What are you talking about, what problems?

Abu Mazen: What problems?? You must be… only you… damn, I don’t know why we’re talking!

Bibi: There is nothing wrong in talking, I am sure you agree that a little chat won’t hurt.

Abu Mazen: Let’s talk then; get out of my land, it’s enough! Like it or not, we’ll get rid of the occupation.

Bibi: Occupation? How can we occupy our own land?

Abu Mazen: You are hilarious, Mr. Prime Minister. You deny everything, the truth, reality… forget it.

Bibi: I know you’re frustrated, I am frustrated too.

Abu Mazen: You are frustrated because as much as you want, you can’t take away our land.

Bibi: You know we’ve been here – here – on this land for more than 3,000 years…

Abu Mazen: Oh, I see, 3,000 years. And our 1,500 years are not enough?

Bibi: Well, you know, 3,000 years is twice as long. Anyway, God bequeathed this land to us.

Abu Mazen: Tell me, when was the last time you spoke to God?

Bibi: Goodness gracious, I pray every day. I feel it in my bones; God wants us to keep all of our land.

Abu Mazen: Boy, I did not know that I’m speaking to a new prophet, Prophet Netanyahu.

Bibi: I am not a prophet—well, in a way I am, I just follow God’s will; it’s all written in the Bible.

Abu Mazen:  Bible, shmible! What do I care, this is our land, we’ve been living here…

Bibi: I know, I know, you keep saying the same thing, but God is testing our resolve, that is why…

Abu Mazen: Is that why you keep building settlements and stealing our land, all in the name of Allah?

Bibi: Look, you want a solution? Ok, all you need to do is recognize Israel as a Jewish state and…

Abu Mazen: You’re something else. I’m sure you’re citing the talking points that Sara gave you.

Bibi: You mean Sara, our forefather Abraham’s wife?

Abu Mazen: Don’t be ridiculous, how many Saras do you have in your life?

Bibi: Keep our wives out of this.

Abu Mazen: You mean your wife!

Bibi: My Sara stands for peace as long as we hold onto all the land.

Abu Mazen: How generous of her; now we depend on your housewife to get back our land…

Bibi: We don’t need your insults, I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions.

Abu Mazen: Oh yeah? How about that crazy guy, what the heck is his name?

Bibi: You mean Minister Naftali Bennett?

Abu Mazen: Ah, I am glad you know all the lunatics sitting in your government.

Bibi: Listen, we are a democracy, everyone has the right to believe and say anything they want.

Abu Mazen: Of course, especially if they want to annex 60% of Palestine.

Bibi: You mean Judea and Samaria! Anyway, we still haven’t annexed it yet.

Abu Mazen: Not yet, ha! And you want me to believe that you’re for a two-state solution; what baloney!

Bibi: Of course I am.

Abu Mazen: Forgive me Bibi, you are such a hypocrite, I don’t trust you period.

Bibi: I feel offended, I can’t help but….

Abu Mazen: Remember what you said in the last election, ‘no Palestinian state under my watch’?

Bibi: You don’t understand, it’s all politics. To tell you the truth, I don’t trust you either.

Abu Mazen: Get on with it! No trust, no security, no negotiating partner, what else?

Bibi: A lot. Your comrades keep attacking us. Do you ever tell your stooge Erekat to shut up?

Abu Mazen: Why should I tell him to shut up? He is doing a good job. We’re a democracy too, you know.

Bibi: Democracy? He is poisoning our people against you with his stupid verbal attacks.

Abu Mazen: Look who is talking, you treat our people as if they were animals, what do you expect?

Bibi: We expect some civility.

Abu Mazen: Don’t make me laugh—civility goes very well with occupation, how charming.

Bibi: You keep talking about…

Abu Mazen: You keep butting in. We suffer from your abuse, and you talk about civility, my foot.

Bibi: You brought all this on yourself. Terrorism, kidnapping, stabbings, and on top of that…

Abu Mazen: And the poor settlers are all angels. Do you want me to feel sorry for them?

Bibi: We are a country of law and order; every settler who commits a crime faces justice.

Abu Mazen: With Justice Minister Shaked, who wants to kill all Palestinians? Justice, what a joke!

Bibi: Don’t you understand, Shaked does nothing without my approval.

Abu Mazen: Mr. Prime Minister, you appointed too many sick ministers in your cabinet, face it.

Bibi: It’s only talk, they mean no harm unlike your buddies in Hamas.

Abu Mazen: Hamas is your problem. You created Hamas, and now you want to make a deal with them.

Bibi: What deal? We haven’t made any deal with Hamas.

Abu Mazen: You are so phony, you want a long-term truce with Hamas to keep Gaza quiet and…

Bibi: Wait a minute!

Abu Mazen: Like I said, calm in Gaza and occupation of our land, what a cozy arrangement!

Bibi: You are mistaken my friend. A truce with Hamas, if it happens, will be good for you too.

Abu Mazen: Any deal behind my back is not good for my people.

Bibi: But isn’t Hamas a part of your “people”?

Abu Mazen: Here we go again. A big difference, I represent all Palestinians.

Bibi: I thought you said Hamas is my problem? It’s good to know how unified all of you guys are.

Abu Mazen: You enjoy being so condescending; I don’t know why I am wasting my time.

Bibi: Mahmoud, we don’t need to talk now, but sooner or later you will need me to make a deal.

Abu Mazen: No, I don’t need you. I am going to the UNSC and ICC, they will deal with you.

Bibi: I don’t give a hoot about the UNSC, ICC, or BBC, in the end you need us to make any deal.

Abu Mazen: Say Mr. Arrogant, how much longer do you think you can keep us quiet?

Bibi: Well you know, so far so good. We’ll manage, like we always have.

Abu Mazen: We are here to stay, and we’ll you give hell until we establish our state of Palestine.

Bibi: Listen, do as you please. We too are here to stay, and we are in control.

Abu Mazen: You think you are in control? Like I said, mister, get out of our land.

Bibi: Where do you think we’re going to go?

Abu Mazen: I really don’t care, get out and honor the rights of our millions of refugees and…

Bibi: Anything else? Do you want all of Jerusalem as well?

Abu Mazen: No, just East Jerusalem… East Jerusalem is our Capital.

Bibi: Well, this is very generous of you, are you sure you don’t want Tel Aviv too?

Abu Mazen: We don’t want Tel Aviv and we don’t want Haifa, we want our land.

Bibi: You keep saying our land, our land, what about us?

Abu Mazen: You know Bibi, my people hate you. Your people… no, the Israelis will hate you too.

Bibi: Are you kidding? My people love me, everybody thinks I am their savior.

Abu Mazen: Do you hear that? He is the Israelites’ savior! Wow, a new Moses is in our midst.

Bibi: You can laugh all you want, but I am…

Abu Mazen: I am not laughing, I only pray that Allah saves the Israelis from you.

Bibi: Don’t worry, they are in good hands as long as I steer the ship.

Abu Mazen: My dear man, you are the worst captain…

Bibi: Oh yeah? Look how far we have traveled, and look where you are.

Abu Mazen: All I can tell you is if you continue to navigate this way, you will collide with my ship.

Bibi: So what? My ship is larger and more powerful than yours, you should steer away from it.

Abu Mazen: Another shipwreck, so what. We have little left to lose.

Bibi: Listen, we don’t want that and you don’t want that either.

Abu Mazen: Wrong, you don’t want that but we…

Bibi: And why is that?

Abu Mazen: Because you want it both ways, you want calm and you want occupation.

Bibi: You know Abu Mazen, you can be funny sometimes.

Abu Mazen: There is nothing funny about this. This whole discussion with you is useless.

Bibi: Sorry you feel this way.

Abu Mazen: I am sorry too, I better get the hell out of here. See you in court, Mr. Benjamin Netanyahu.

Dr. Alon Ben-Meir is a professor of international relations at the Center for Global Affairs at NYU. He teaches courses on international negotiation and Middle Eastern studies.

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  • Max Genghis Cohen

    Eavesdropping on this allegedly imaginary conversation were two interested divinities, Yahweh and Allah.

    Yahweh: The land was empty when I consigned it to the Israelites, Oh great young divinity, and no so called Palestinians lived there.

    Allah: That assertion is of dubious documentation since it was not notarized by a neutral party. Also, the Roman expulsion casts doubt upon a divine origin for valid Judean occupation, Oh aged One.

    Yahweh: Bear in mind, Oh my uninitiated younger divinity, that the historic record of Islam’s conquests does not run deep among the educated, and do not disrespect Israeli airpower, either, lest you be smitten.

    Allah: I am getting out of here.

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