Wednesday, January 16th | 10 Shevat 5779

March 22, 2013 1:58 am

Mayor Bloomberg Launches a Clandestine Passover Police Unit (SPOOF)

avatar by Bernard Starr

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NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg at 2011 Tribeca Film Festival. Photo: wiki commons.

On the heels of the court revocation of Bloomberg’s ban on 16-ounce soft drinks, New York’s mayor promptly created a secret Passover police unit (code name Sugar Daddy). According to information leaked from the mayor’s office, the unit’s mandate is to raid Seders to ensure that Jews are not compromising their health with excessive cholesterol, salt, and sweets.

The Seder plate will come under careful scrutiny. Thumbs up for anti-oxidant-loaded horseradish for the bitter herb. But watch out for insufficient water to dilute the salt content–and excessive dipping of the greens in the salt water could mean a citation.

Particular attention will be paid to matzo balls. Using advanced detection technology, the Passover police will confiscate matzo balls that resemble tightly packed cannon balls. Are the matzo balls too yellow, the tell-tale sign of cholesterol-loaded yolk overload? If so, they too will be impounded. Light and fluffy low-cholesterol and low-calorie ones will pass muster for low balling the matzo balling.

The specially trained police will also peruse kugel ( potato pies and pudding) for signs of too much frying oil. Chicken soup will be examined for evidence of excessive schmaltz (chicken fat).

If you are planning to serve cholent — the traditional Jewish stew of choice if your arteries are lacking in cholesterol — you’d better flush it down the toilet if you detect the Sugar Daddy unit at your door. If the police discover cholent on your Seder table (or even simmering on the stove), the entire Passover assembly could wind up in the paddy wagon. Mayor Bloomberg has already banned cholent donations to the homeless, who will be tested to insure that they are cholent free.

And finally, the Passover brisket will have to pass the lean test. Too much fat could mean a court appearance for you and your butcher — and worse, expose you as a cheapskate — shopping Food City rather than Max’s Kosher Meats.

Bernard Starr is a psychologist, college professor, and journalist. He is author of Jesus Uncensored: Restoring the Authentic Jew, which is available at Amazon (grayscale and color edition), Barnes and Noble, and other major outlets.

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